Mr. Trick Discovers Gunpowder
Date: 7:12pm, January 24th, 1999
Subject: It's called an Uzi, chump
Okay, okay. I gotta admit that my plans have met with pretty limited success so far. Maybe Slayerfest ’98 was a bad idea. And that Ethan Rayne guy was a huge disappointment with that weak ass band candy shit.
But hey, at least I’m trying new things. You all ain’t tried nothing new in ages. Before I got to town, ya'll just ran up on the slayers, yelling “Die!” and doing some karate shit at them. And where did that get you? It got you nowhere. Why? Because the Slayer’s better at karate than you. Yeah, yeah, I see ya'll in your subterranean Tae-Kwan-Do classes, thinking you're all badasses with your yellow belts and shit. But I don't care how much karate you think you know, 'cause the Slayer’s always gonna know more karate than you. That’s just a fact of death.
You know what they call a vampire who tries the same plan time after time, expecting a different result? Dust on the ground.
And yeah, none of my plans have worked so far, but I gotta lay a lot of that blame at right on ya'll's feet. Because—and try to keep up here, ‘cause this is gonna get real technical—I WAS EXPECTING YOU BRAINLESS MOTHERFUCKERS TO BE CARRYING GUNS.
And don’t even tell me that none of ya'll thought of it before now. None of ya'll's that old. Every one of you was sired after gunpowder was invented, so ya'll know what a motherfucking gun is. And, ya know, I don’t expect you to carry the latest model Glock, but even if you showed up with some moldy old arquebus or some shit, it would be better than nothing.
Because—and I'm gonna get technical again—if it’s a contest between karate and some moldy old arquebus? That fucking arquebus is gonna win four times outta five. 'Cause there’s no amount of karate that can stop a bullet. If any of this seems unclear, just repeat that to yourself until it sinks in: no amount of karate can stop a fucking bullet. And karate is hard, whereas guns are easy. Shit, I bet some weaselly little nerd could bag himself a Slayer, if he had a gun. I mean, theoretically.
And hey, did it never occur to any a' you assholes that you can make as many new vampires as you want? So when I tell your dumb ass to, “dig up as many vampires as you need to, to get this job done,” I don’t mean that shit metaphorically. I don't mean, “call up your two most incompetent friends to help you out.” I mean, go out, sire a bunch of new vampires, dig them up, then take your new army into battle with you.
Now, I didn't set out to be this patronizing, but ya'll have proved you can’t add two and two to get four, so I'm going to lay out your next step nice and clear: YOU GIVE EVERY ONE OF THOSE NEW VAMPIRES YOU JUST DUG UP A GUN. There’s a fucking gun store right on the edge of town. Go there, steal ALL THE GUNS, and pass them out to your brand new whelplings. Even a bunch of idiots like you Sunnydale vampires ought to realize that you've just created a force to be reckoned with, no matter how green they are.
I understand why some of ya'll are understandably scared to go up against the Slayers. Even with an army of gun-toting mooks in front of your dumb asses, those Slayers still seem pretty dangerous.
I get that. I really do.
What I can't understand, is why that natural fear doesn't translate into an equally natural impulse to protect your dumb ass. I mean, shiiit people. An aversion to guns I can almost understand. Even if you're young, they seem kinda newfangled, they got all them triggers and hammers and safeties and shit and maybe that's just too complicated for you dumb motherfuckers to understand.
But when it comes to protecting yourself, it ain't that hard to understand. You got this heart, see? And if you get staked through it, you’re dust. And you got this head, see? And if it gets cut off, you’re dust.
Are you with me so far? Good.
PUT SOMETHING IN BETWEEN THOSE MOTHERFUCKING LOCATIONS AND THE SLAYERS' MOTHERFUCKING WEAPONS.
Hell, how come I gotta explain all this shit to you? It's like those retractable fangs of yours displaced your goddamn brains. So let me break it down into two easy steps, that even you dumb chumps ought to be able to follow:
1) Make armor that protects those vital spots.
2) Wear it when you’re fighting the slayer.
Now, when I mentioned this to some of ya'll earlier, you were like, “but armor slows me down.” Well, you know what else slows you down? Crumbling to dust because your dumb ass just got staked. That slows you down a whole fucking lot.
Shit, if you’re still worried that wearing armor will slow you down, here’s another idea. Take a sheet of plate steel about a foot square, and just jam it up under your ribcage, all the way to the top. Don't stop until you hear it crunch. Leave it for a night or two so the flesh heals up around it and locks it in place, and et fucking voila, motherfucker. You just made yourself stake-proof!
Now get out there and shoot me some fucking Slayers, okay? 'Cause if I don't see some results pretty damn soon, I tell ya, I'm giving up on you idiots. Really, I'll quit. Hell, let one of the Slayers have my job, for all I care.